pinkmoonrising | Ryslig 🙣 IC inbox

[Her smile is a little weak, but it's absolutely genuine. This is awkward - all of this, what they're talking about and what they're not talking about - but it's hard not to be touched by his concern, and by his easy affection. And he's right, isn't he? Even with everything, it's looking pretty good.]

And thee? Are 'ee making a future here, or do ye think that one day ye'll find a way back home?

[Back to her, she means, and can't quite bring herself to say. But it's a question that has to be asked, with how she feels. It's something she needs to know, whether he's resigned to staying here, or whether, one day, he'll go back to his world and his friends and his love.]

I've planned to stay here, even if most people would think it's a little defeatist or something. [He says it honestly enough, knowing it's a touchy kind of topic for some. He tries to not bring it up to Otto in particular. The idea of losing the man he considers a father feels awful. He doesn't want to trip on the idea of losing anyone else e cares about either. It's a tangled topic.]

Whether we can go home or not, I've made a life here. Nothing is perfect, but, I have people here who I love and care for.

[That's the answer she was hoping for. She didn't realise just how much, until he says it and her heart flip-flops in her chest.]

I don't think it's defeatist. I think defeatist is more... chasing what won't come. Waiting for what's already gone. [Thinking as she says it, of course, of that other version of herself, of the second-hand memories of a life narrowed down to old bitterness, revenge, and grief. Thinking of the blood on the old woman's hands, both literal and metaphorical. She hadn't planned to stay here, that was for damned sure.]

[But that isn't the path she's on now. Nothing's perfect, but there's something to be built here.]

[There are other thoughts, there, lurking in the space between anxieties. Thoughts like wondering who else it is he loves and cares for, and in what way, and what could go wrong with this conversation, and what could be lost, and why - if he doesn't mean to go home - he hasn't found another girl. Or her. Whether maybe he doesn't want...?]

[Some part of her is aware that, if she lets those thoughts take hold, she's going to retreat from them. Maybe that's why, rather than trying to keep the conversation on the rails, she gives in to the impulse that she's been putting off for months. She leans in - not so far, since he's already leaning against her - and kisses him squarely on the mouth, as well as his pooka form allows. It's a chaste kiss, but it lingers a moment before she pulls away, her pink cheeks darkening almost to crimson, her black-and-red eyes nervously scanning his face, trying to read his response. Gods, she hasn't felt her heart rate spike so fast since the last time something tried to kill her.]

[Peter unlike Susan is decidedly unaware of what the conversation actually is about. He intends to agree with her-

Then Susan kisses him.]

[what]

[Wait.

Does she... like-like him?]

[WHEN]

[He's definitely poofed up, his curly fur standing on end as Peter looks actively confused.]

Th-ank you?

[wait, no that's- incorrect.]

nonono- I mean, yes, but no-? uh. [He's now a ball of puffed up fur, give him a second to cover his face with his hands.

He is not good at this.

He peeks from between his fingers back at Susan.]

You- like me-?

[For her part, Susan can barely hear him over the pounding of her own heart in her ears (which, for the record, are also reddened almost to the pointed tips). This isn't quite the response she'd expected or hoped for - or even the one she'd feared - and while she can absolutely enjoy embarrassing boys and making them blush and cover their eyes, it's not what she wants now.]

[She pulls back - not just from the kiss, but away from him altogether, giving him space if he should want it - and clears her throat, her cheeks still burning. (Not an entirely metaphorical burn, either. There are no flames, but the air around her is decidedly hot. A blushing demon is a fire hazard.)]

I mean...

[It's hard to know what to say. There is, at the same time, nothing left to say, and too much to put into words. She shifts uncomfortably on the grass, raking her claws through her hair, twisting it around her fingers.]

I shouldn't. And I shouldn't've... say sorry, ye don't have to do aught with it. It's just...

[The words keep tripping each over each other. Did she feel this awkward with Roland? She finds she can't quite remember whether it was so uncomfortable, or whether that inexorable pull was too much to let it matter. Does she feel the same pull now? Should she?]

[She keeps talking, even as she's aware that what she's saying is a kind of nonsense. It just keeps spilling out of her, because she's scared of what happens when she stops.]

Ye're nice. Ye're nicer than anyone I ever met. And brave, and thoughtful, and your smile's... I mean, it's not like I don't like being your friend, I want to be your friend. Ye're one of the best friends I've ever had. But sometimes it's just, ye ken, I just... and I keep thinkin', I don't want to be like her. I don't want to waste my life wishing for him back. But I kennit, if ye don't... I mean, if I'm not...

[And there's more, behind it, that he's spared from less by caution and more by the physical limits of how many words she can say at once. The thought that keeps coming, louder and louder, hammering against the sudden chaos inside her skull, is: ye were the other woman once, and ye'll do it again so fast? throw Roland away so fast?]

[And the other thought, its twin, comes in her aunt's voice, shrill and mocking: So much above it ye were, so much better than what ye agreed to, but ye'll still whore yourself for a nice smile and a gift or two.]

[There's a sudden crackle as the grass she's sitting on sparks and briefly ignites - luckily, there's enough lingering moisture to keep the fire from catching - and she jumps to her feet, taking a step back. It's enough to shut her up, at least, especially combined with the realisation that her eyes are stinging.]

...I should go. I'm going to go.

[Oh, this is happening very fast. Peter blinks a little, his hands dropping away as Susan talks. Her words clashing against one another in how quickly they all spill out at once. There is clearly a lot going on in her head right now, and Peter isn't even sure what to say. What to do.

No one has kissed him in a long time, and he's trying to figure that out. It can wait, right now Susan is definitely freaking out a little, and Peter isn't sure why. The heat in the air at least gives him that impression.

He holds his palms up gently in a placating gesture, trying to bring Susan back down to earth with him.]

Woah- woah, hey, we're okay, Susan, I just-

[And the grass crackles to life from fire. Peter startles a little, scrambling to get away from it. His fur is standing on end for a different reason now.]

Susan! Please, can we talk about this-?

[He isn't even sure how he's feeling right now. Clear worry for her is written on his features.]

Edited 2023-10-07 00:54 (UTC)

[She hadn't expected to freak out like this. This was supposed to be the easy part, once she'd gotten across what she came here to say. She hadn't thought much farther ahead, but if she had, she would have expected the relief of a burden lifted, a choice passed over to someone else.]

[Instead, she's finding that all the doubts and guilt she's been trying to fight off are still very much there and waiting, and now there's a generous helping of embarrassment, too. This is not how she wanted this to go. If you love me, then love me, it isn't.]

[Seeing him scramble away from the fire only complicates things more. She hadn't meant to do that at all, hadn't meant to scare him, hadn't meant to lose control. On the upside, it gives her something concrete to do, and she stamps on the embers, trying to push down the heat that's rising in her, trying to draw the heat out of the grass instead of putting more in. Deep breaths, just like when she needed to bite her tongue dealing with Rhea, just like she'd had to calm herself to give Roland the cold shoulder after that second meeting. Deep breaths. We're okay.]

[She scrubs both hands over her face, swallowing, still grinding her hoof against the smouldering grass.]

Say sorry. I just...

I thought ye knew.

[True, for the record. She hasn't felt like she was being as subtle as she might have liked, these past few months. All but throwin' yourself at him, remarks the Aunt-Cord voice of her thoughts, unhelpfully. And now, skippin' the all but, like ye didn't swear yourself to another.]

[Susan swallows hard, and now it's her turn to look through her fingers, fangs digging against her lip.]

I didn't mean to frighten 'ee. Or to set the fucking grass aflame. Fuck, Peter, I'm sorry.

I- I feel like it shouldn't surprise you too much, but I'm kind of oblivious sometimes, Susan. [He can admit to that, glad his fur provides some semblance of cover for how he's starting to blush.

Had Susan liked him a really long time? Had he been just that unaware?] If you were being really romantic, I definitely missed it, so, I'm sorry about that.

I'm not mad or anything, I promise. I'm just really surprised. [He glances back at the burnt grass.] By both grass burning and the romantic feelings, I mean. But one more than the other.

[He has to think about how he feels. It's complicated, but... not in a bad way. Susan is kind, smart, sharp as a knifes edge with her words and actions when the time called for it. She isn't shy about speaking her mind.]

I really hadn't thought anyone would like me romantically. [Its an easy admittance on his part, but he stumbles past it.] I think you're brilliant, you know that? You're strong and brave, you don't give yourself enough credit.

I dunno how I feel right now, its- [He coaxes a hand through his hair uncertainly.] not a no. To dating I mean- I dunno, I haven't even thought about dating in a long time.

[She laughs awkwardly, and lowers her hands, but that fidgeting is still there - she folds her arms, then unfolds them, puts her hands in her pockets, takes them out, unable to find a position that doesn't feel wrong.]

I wasn't being romantic. I was... I was trying not to. To let it burn out on its own, I guess. But...

[But she's had a lot to think about, lately. She's had a week to see what comes of trying to tamp down feelings until they go away. She's realised just how unlikely it is to pass on its own, how dishonest it feels to pretend it isn't there.]

We don't have to court. To date, if that's what ye'd call it. I just...

I don't know why ye think no-one would like 'ee that way. Ye're a handsome fellow, and ye're kind and clever and good. What's not to like?

[Peter hesitates just for a moment before stepping forward to very carefully reach out to Susan's hand. His touch is gentle, loose enough on purpose for her to shake free from if she doesn't want to be touched. Peter wants to offer her some assurance right now.]

I think it'd be fun? If your feelings burn out after being with me for a while like that, I wouldn't take it personally either. I'd still be happy to be friends. If you want to, we can date, court- and see how it goes.

[He releases a soft amused huff at that. Not sure what to say to compliments, but, he doesn't try to dodge or deny them like he once did.] Well, for one, I am a giant rat. That usually makes most people go 'hmm maybe not'.

[He has to joke about that a little.]

[She flaps her free hand dismissively - the most natural and un-fidgety move she's made since kissing him - and wrinkles her nose. The hand he's touched, though, takes hold of his at once, holding tight. It's hotter than a human hand, but at least not burning.]

Ye're a handsome human. And as monsters go, ye could look a damned sight worse. I guess we all adjust what we're looking at around here, no?

[Then, more quietly:] I think it'd be fun, too. But... but I think mayhap I shouldn't've put it to 'ee like that.

[She looks down at his hand in hers, and gives it a little squeeze. There's a different hesitation in her face, now - less anxious, and more ashamed.]

Ye've got a girl back home, I ken that, and ye love her. And I had Roland, and I love him still. And...

I don't quite know. I think mayhap we should both go away and think about it. I just... ye said summat earlier, on the network. Something about us. And I couldn't not say anything any more, that's all. But I should have said it, not kissed 'ee, and say sorry for that.

That's fair, yeah. None of us are ever going to really be human again, so we all need to adjust.

[He draws a thumb gently against her hand in his, smiling at her.] Thinking about it would be a good idea, yeah. Give us both time to parse out how we feel. You don't need to apologize though, I think... you were just sitting on it a long time and wanted it to come out. So, it came out after I accidentally said just the right thing.

[He hesitates a second, before exhaling.] I love MJ still, in a way, she's still at home, but... [He has to think of how to phrase this.] I know what happens in the future, people have told me.

Something happens back home that makes everyone forget who I am. So, she doesn't remember me. I don't think she ever will.

...Fuck.

[She exhales heavily, in an unconscious imitation of him, and her eyes scan his face for a long moment.]

Sorry. That's...

[Worse than dying. Worse than your lover dying. She can say that, now, since she's seen where both of them lead. But being forgotten...]

[If this didn't already feel too fragile, she'd be hugging him. As it is, she just gives his hand another squeeze.]

I didn't know it was so bad.

I try to not talk about it, since, it's kind of heavy. [Peter for his part isn't happy about what happens, but he's come to terms with it. Made as much peace with it as he could given he hadn't lived it yet.]

My future back home isn't really great, but... I have a future here. That's what makes me happy. I know MJ is safe, that gives me comfort.

[Susan nods. That, at least, she can understand. She reaches for his other hand, giving him a little smile.]

That's what matters, right?

And... whatever happens, Peter, I want to be in your future here, alright? If it's a friend, or... or whatever it might be, I want to be there with 'ee.

That's for sure, even if naught else.

[He nods a little, his smile warming up several degrees at her assurance.]

Thank you. [He laces their fingers together, a gentle gesture. His fingers aren't quite human, but close enough the weight is the same.] Even if things don't stay romantic or even ever get there, I want to be in your future too. I don't want to lose you.

Right now, I- guess we should think about it and see how we wanna go. No jumping to stuff.

[His hands are noticeably smaller then hers, and they feel cool against the fire still burning under her skin, but there's enough warmth in his smile to make up for it. She smiles back, nodding. There's a lump in her throat, as the adrenaline starts to ebb and the shame still lingers, but she's happy, all the same. This is... this is about as well as this could go, it seems.]

Thankee. For understanding.

[She sniffs, clearing her throat.]

I... I should go, though. I...

[Need to go and scream. She's feeling wobbly-kneed, that giddy, dizzy sense of a long-wound tension suddenly snapping back. It's not an entirely bad feeling, but it's too much to deal with all at once, and it's definitely too much to put on him.]

I've got to get the horses groomed.

Right, they won't groom themselves. [He gives her hands another squeeze before letting go. Not about to delay her when she's got things to think about and horses to groom.

He accepts the excuse readily enough, knowing he's still reeling as well. ] We'll talk more later.

Well, tell Pylon I say hi. Maybe give him a pet for me? [He has his own thinking to do. His own feelings to parse out.]

[Her smile widens a little, her relief apparent, and she nods again.]

I will. 'Course I will.

I...

...Just message me when ye're ready?

[She unfolds her wings, taking a deep breath, and steps away so she can take off without the wind from the downstroke hitting him too hard in the face.]

[Peter takes a few steps back himself, still smiling at Susan. With the shock wearing off, Peter is relaxing back to his usual behavior, just a little awkward and well meaning.] Yeah, yeah- of course! I will! You- feel free to message me too!

Bye, Susan! [He's waving, probably a bit too enthuastically.]

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WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, SUSAN. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 019.77.190.99 * carelesslove has joined 019.77.190.99 <carelesslove> is this working? <carelesslove> this is sue delgado's channel. talk to me if you want i guess? <carelesslove>** i'm probably in the stable or some such right now but i'll write when i get back