pinkmoonrising | Ryslig 🙣 IC inbox

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Ryslig 🙣 IC inbox

WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, SUSAN. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 019.77.190.99 * carelesslove has joined 019.77.190.99 <carelesslove> is this working? <carelesslove> this is sue delgado's channel. talk to me if you want i guess? <carelesslove>** i'm probably in the stable or some such right now but i'll write when i get back

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[There are a million things that come to the surface, things he wants to say, apologies, maybe a few excuses. None of them feel right.]

You're right. We didn't even know if it would work. It was a gamble. I didn't think about it logically. I just... I'm so used to giving up all of myself, my life, my identity to fix things.

I can't keep doing this. Not when its... hurting everyone, hurting you.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry. I know that doesn't probably mean anything right now, fuck.

i just don't

i don't want to keep watching the people i care about give up fucking everything for folk who give them naught back

and you shouldn't keep doing it
it's not your fucking problem
it's not your job

you can't keep dying for folk. ye've got to live for them too.

I know. You shouldn't have to deal with it. I'm sorry I added to it.

You're not the only one whose said that to me. i think...

I think it's finally sticking, I'm just exceptionally stupid. I want to live, but i keep feeling like i'm not doing enough.

Its not right.

ye're not stupid. ye're just

ye're kind. ye're kind and generous and ye want to think the best of people and ye want to be responsible. ye want to help. ye want to be a good man

but good men get crushed and the world keeps rolling just the same

[She considers leaving it there, but if she doesn't say this now, she never will. And, like the other honest confessions, there's something pushing it forward: a fear behind it, but a desperate need to say it, too. It's easier to say when she doesn't have to look anyone in the eye.]

i've been thinking a lot about it
because its not like i haven't done the same

i might not have jumped into the fire like ye did into the pit but i knew what i was hurtling toward. and i couldn't've lived with myself if i'd done aught else. i kennit, peter, how it is to feel like ye have to, like ye wouldn't be yourself if ye don't give yourself up

i understand my da a lot better now. i don't know if he knew they'd kill him, but i reckon he'd've done the same if he did. and roland lived but he rode out knowing he'd die. because he had to do enough

i just

i guess i'm a selfish bitch for this but

[There's a pause. She keeps typing the same thing and deleting it, unsent, and then typing it again, before she finally bites her tongue and hits send.]

it feels pretty fucking shitty that all of ye will die for strangers but not live for me

You're not a selfish bitch, Susan. You've never been. You asked me not to, and I didn't listen to you.

You're right. I need to just... actually get my head around it. Because I want to make this work, to actually be here for the people who care about me. Instead of just pitching myself into danger all the time. I can help, but, not die.

i guess at least here ye get the chance to learn from it

but i don't want to stand and watch ye get hurt peter
that's all

and it feels shit because i'm proud of the man ye are. i'm proud ye're a good man and that ye're honest and brave and that ye care so much. i like that about thee. i do. but it scares me and if i keep losing ye then i don't know what i'll do.

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		OSZAR »

Ryslig 🙣 IC inbox

<P.B.P>

<carelesslove>

<P.B.P> me reading your tag; GET HIS ASS SUSAN

<carelesslove>

<P.B.P>

<carelesslove>